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every day, we have had at least one conversation about his past behaviors. i have just recently found out about a girl he has slept with. i thought it was over with past bullshit with S. he shared a connection with S, had deep conversations, participated in physical activities, yet he slept with someone else. but when he realized S was talking to someone else, he immediately drops her. we had a conversation about our history, and i thought it was over. but he had not told me everything.

every day, i realize something new about him. no, it wasn’t new. it was always there. it was just always hidden from me, untold to me. i had given him the benefit of the doubt. was i wrong? when he finally confessed he had danced with another girl last week, it was felt like i had cold water unexpectedly splashed at me. am i getting a sudden revelation? a sudden wake up call? was i ignorant not to believe his statements that he’s not a good person? to disregard these messages as humility, not a stern warning?

i feel like i’ve never really known him. i feel like he’s lost me. i don’t want to care about him anymore. to return his selfishness by being selfish myself and using whatever time we have left to distance myself from him.

in one week, he’s transformed from being a caring, but not free of faults, loving, but selfish, trustworthy, but inexperienced, to a stereotypical frat boy. wasn’t this my first impression of him? i can’t recall anymore. i’ve been blinded by own biases because of the happiness i’ve felt being together. i dont think he thinks of sex as something special like i do. i felt sick for months after i lost my virginity, i felt like i gave an important part of myself to someone who didn’t deserve it. i became desensitized to the sacred part of sex, making love, in order to be okay with sex in general. when i had sex again with someone other than my ex, i was terrified. sex with SA was a mistake. why did i have casual sex again then? why did i make myself think this was okay? why didn’t i speak up and tell D to stop touching me? why did i eventually give in.

realizations
1. we were never really together until he asked me to be his girlfriend.

2. i am possibly rebound from S.

3. he probably didn’t even initially like me, he just was horny.

4. he probably grew to like me because we were consistently having sex.

5. he thinks he is free and is completely okay with sleeping, talking, etc. with other girls while we are in a break, while we were talking before the bf/gf relationship, “broken up” meaning we were still seeing each other but without the label.

6. all of these things i have always known. 

7. he may have “loved” you, in the moment of blissful honeymoon butterflies. but i am uncertain where we are now. i should stop telling him that i love him.

red flags

1. he told me to pretend to be a random girl while dancing with him (so other people would be shocked and impressed).

2. he wants me to dress slutty so other guys can be jealous of him.

3. he wants me to do bisexual acts because he enjoys it.

4. he always attempts to do insert something anally, while continuously asserting that he will stop trying to convince me. he was already “accidentally” physically tried. twice. do you still believe him? have you ever believed him?

5. he acts disrespectful and completely different to you when he is with his “bros”.

we’re not really together anymore. i have to be fine with his choices with other girls. i dont have to be careful with other boys.

our relationship will mean nothing to him once it’s over.